Shocker! Who would have thought that social media was the scourge of the modern age? I feel like we all already know that social media can be the worst thing ever while simultaneously being helpful and useful. But, do we REALLY know how social media impacts all of us, even when we think it doesn’t? I didn't, so here is my story.
Why I Hate Social Media
I quit social media sites such as Instagram and Facebook a long time ago back in 2016 but continued to use YouTube. I reasoned that it wasn’t making me happy so I took some steps to minimize the impact social media was having on me. I was noticing that I was spending too much time scrolling, and scrolling and scrolling and scrolling trying to reach the bottom of all my friends and favorite influencer posts. It was like filling a bottomless Chasm. You keep going and going and going until you realize it’s been 3 hours or 1 am and you have class at 8 am the next morning. But I couldn’t help it! In high school, I would post selfies and be too involved in my looks. I felt that I was slowly becoming vainer. I am not saying makeup and caring about how you look is bad. But, when you start to build the idea that you are ugly without makeup and editing your face and you look at yourself In the mirror and look at these beautiful influencers or your beautiful peers on your phone and think “How can I ever live up to that?” it starts to become an obsession.
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Body image
I’ve always had an issue with my weight growing up. I can’t pinpoint when it started because I felt it was always there. I was never “fat” per se but I was one of the taller kids in school in my elementary age and I was an early bloomer puberty-wise. So that awkwardness coupled with the fact I was overly conscious about my weight plus the emergence of social media was a recipe for disaster. I remember being around 12-13 years old calculating how much I was going to eat at a buffet and feeling guilty after. I started skipping meals, and over-exercising because I felt that’s what I needed to do to look good.
Sexuality
I even started to feel like I needed to be more sexual in a weird way because of social media. I would look at these models in their bikini pics or lingerie and think “Maybe if I dress sexier I can get boys' attention more”. It became drilled in my head at a young age on Instagram or YouTube that being sexy or owning your sexuality is what boys/men want. I was also watching a lot of sex-positive content on YouTube during my time in high school. Some of the content I watched was helpful and educational and some gave me a false sense of empowerment that being a sexual being gives me a lot of power and gave me the feeling I was ready for a big event like losing my virginity. When I’m reality it later just made me feel more embarrassed, dirty, and even more self-conscious down the road.
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Comparing Relationships
During my time in high school and college, I also watched a lot of vloggers who would show their audience their super interesting lives and their family and how perfect everything seemed to be. Beautiful homes, hot boyfriends/ husbands that could do no wrong and seemed to be obsessed with their girlfriends/wives, and sad that my relationship with my college boyfriend who is now my husband was not like that. Sure my husband is hot but our relationship wasn’t picturesque. We would have disagreements and arguments from time to time, but I had a very childlike view of relationships and marriage. At that time I thought that a truly healthy relationship meant we didn’t disagree about anything or never argue about anything. In my mind, if we are soulmates why would we argue? So that brought out a lot of insecurities in our relationship.
My Breaking Point
The breaking point where I can’t have social media control me was when I was a stay-at-home mom. Even though I no longer have an Instagram or Facebook. YouTube was my escape. I had so much free time on my hands at the end of the day. That I would watch YouTube videos all day. Now I've always loved YouTube since 2010, but my Youtube consumption was getting out of hand. I would constantly be on the app watching YouTube videos or going down rabbit holes. My downtime was mostly consumed with watching other mom channels and being envious that they were doing a better job than me. It didn't start that way. In the beginning, I thought these mom channels would be a source of motivation for me and learn some valuable information. Which at times I did. But, I would watch families with multiple kids who had mothers who were well-kept and looked effortless. While I'm over here at home with my hair not being brushed in two days eating my toddler's food that he refuses to eat and still in my pjs because who am I going to see? It hurts worse since my husband travels for work 4-6 weeks at a time and I'm always lonely. It didn't help even more seeing husbands helping their wives around the house, because when my husband comes home he wants to play video games all day. Which isn't bad when he's been away for so long, and it puts him in a good mood. But at a certain point, I began comparing him to other women's husbands who seemed to go the extra mile on camera for their wives. My husband does help on occasion, but it's up to me to take up most of the house and child responsibilities. It can be tiring and I usually blow up. I started to have moments of breakdowns and feelings of worthlessness during this point. I felt like I was a bad mom because I couldn't get my son to eat his dinner or couldn't get him to listen to me right away or raise my voice while he was doing something he shouldn't. I was overwhelmed by a list of chores to do that are always the same and never-ending every single day and it was repetitive and very emotionally tiring. I realized that at this stage of life, these mommy YouTubers weren't the inspiration I thought they would be for me. Instead, it became a constant reminder of how unfit I was as a mom.
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